Use you own brain, dammit!

I was in work on Wednesday and the dishwasher machine has stopped after I put in my utensils. Nice Chef takes them out and asks me if they need to be done again. I couldn’t see the tray or the utensils clear enough to give him a good answer, so I told him “no, it’s OK”. Why couldn’t he not just have looked at the tray and decide for himself?

I seriously hate when people ask me about something that they could have decided for themselves. Such examples include: “How do I cook these?” “Why is the car behind you tailgating?” People, seriously, think before you speak. Why the hell should I have to use my brainpower for your needs? You have your own peanut, so use it!

Monday is surprisingly OK/Am I bisexual?

I was expecting to come into work today and having loads of work to do, but I have barely anything to do. The heavy-duty cleaners were in over the weekend cleaning all the stainless steel walls, vents, cooker, grill, ovens, fryers, dishwasher, floors, everything. My whole week’s work is done bar a few minor things.

I’m actually happy. Oh, this feels so wonderful. And, oh! And I only have 3 days working this week!! I’m off Thursday and Friday because I’m going to see P!nk on Thursday night in the O2!! Woot! Yes, don’t worry, I’ll post videos and blog about it on Friday. Hehe!

I’m still looking for love. I’ve not completely given up. I think that when the right person finds me, it will feel so wonderful. I’m sorry that I can’t be what you expect. I’m less desiring of sex because I feel sex should be between two people who, at least, care for each other. The whole meaningless sex thing just really doesn’t appeal to me. I find it an embarrassment to actually call myself a gay man because of what stereotypical gay men do regarding sex.

I was actually thinking last night that sex is really pretty gross when you really think about it. I won’t give you a visual image, but people say that sex “feels so good”, and I will agree. But the actual act is pretty gross in my eyes, especially straight sex. But saying that, why not? (OMG, am I seriously thinking about straight sex as a turn-on???!!!) Hm…. Would I have sex with a woman? Hm… The only thing is, I wouldn’t know where to put it!!! Hahahaha! (Sorry, couldn’t resist). I know I’m gay, but I’m also (bi-)curious about women. If love is there, I wouldn’t say no. Love holds no gender.

I don’t want the whole world to know…

(I originally only posted this to my Facebook, but only my friends could see it, but decided to post it here too)

(Originally posted on Monday, 05 October 2009 at 11:50)

I’m writing this blog here instead of my site because I don’t want the whole world to know that I think I’m retarded or “mentally challenged”. I know my family thinks “I’m not quite all there” (Oh please! I see how you act and what you say and how you say it). Sometimes I feel a little bit slow. I find it somewhat difficult to adapt to new things. I feel that I’m afraid of going out with someone because I think they’ll just laugh at me.

When I was a baby, the doctors told my mam that I would never walk, never talk, that I’d just be a vegetable. My mam knew that I wasn’t like that and proved these “doctors” wrong. However, I feel like maybe I should have been a vegetable, that me being nearly normal seems wrong and my body/brain wants to fight it. My mind was never made to try and handle all the things, like driving a car. It was just designed, just for limited motor skills, and the odd grunt here and there, and maybe some assortment of words. I know that my brain is contently working at 110%, hence why I get headaches, these sharp pains in my head that only last about a minute or two. Doctors will say that I’m tired or stressed, but I’m neither.

I’m afraid… I’m afraid of who I am, I’m afraid that I’ll die after some hospital taking care of me because I’ll have dementia or some other illness. I personally don’t think that I deserve what I have. I don’t deserve all the places I’ve seen, all the places I’ve been. I don’t deserve life.

(Side-note: I’m not suicidal, I find that is very selfish of a person to kill themselves)

Blogging depresses me…

My last 3 blogs have had me depressed after I’ve written them, because I feel like I’m letting go of things that are very personal to me. It’s almost like that they are a small part of me. I also try my best not to offend people and try my best to keep a neutral point of view, or a view that is acceptable, and that might make you think.

I write blogs simply because I want to express how I feel at a particular point of time in my life, not because I want to put someone down, and talk about them, even though what they did or say to me was wrong.

Anyway, I think why “Gay Brothers Having Sex” made me depressed, was because I think that could of easily offended people, and that people in their late 20s and over probably didn’t expect that. “Why Are You Such A Fucking Cunt?” was not a nice blog to re-read today, I was very mean on how I said what I said. “Christmas Is A CUNT!” is also one that I feel is very one-sided and that its neutrality is shot out of the window.

So, I’ll be toning the bright colours down a bit, and going back to my normal blogging very soon. Unless you like my “new style” of blogging? Let me know, comment on this.

Christmas is a CUNT!

Do you actually like Christmas or do you just think it’s for kids? I think that advertising Christmas-related products or services as early as the last week in August is just an embarrassment for the advertiser, the radio/TV station and the general public for allowing something that happens for only one day be spread to 4 months.

We haven’t even past Hallowe’en and Christmas is already talked about. I personally think advertising for any holiday like Easter, Hallowe’en and Christmas should only be allowed for one month before the actual holiday. Dragging Christmas for 4 months is a serious outcry for attention that nobody wants to hear or see. I do like Christmas, correction: I did like Christmas before I knew how commercialised it is. I am actually refusing to even put up a tree because I do not want to go out and spend hundreds of Euro on presents that people won’t even treasure.

Christmas should be about family, friends and close ones, all having a good time and catching up over the past year and to celebrate a new one. Presents should be as small as a bottle of wine or just a card, not a huge HD Ready TV or computers or shit like that. People, you need to re-invent Christmas for yourself and make it whatever you think Christmas should be and get rid of all that commercial shit that, really no-one could care less about.

We only go out and buy over-priced presents because that is what we are told is correct and what we think is correct, but it is wrong. I was in Tenerife (Canary Is., Spain) for Christmas last year, and I barely even knew it was Christmas. It was nice, it was peaceful. No-one rushing around looking for presents, no-one trying to sell you anything. We should take a chapter out of Spain’s Christmas book and actually follow it, and actually see what’s it’s like to have a truly, honest, good, happy Christmas we had when we were kids, not an unhappy Christmas of today.

I think the moral of the story is: too much of something can be an addiction.

Why are you such a fucking cunt?

I’ve been thinking about people in work. 5 out of the 8 other people I work with I don’t like, I mean, I don’t really get on with. Why you may ask? Because no matter what I do, no matter how right I am in doing whatever I was suppose to do, is wrong according to these 5 people. And if I do actually say or do something wrong, they think that I’m in a bad humour or pissed off at something or someone, when really I’m not either happy or sad, I’m just content.

For example; one day, it was 10:30am and I was about to go and collect the breakfast containers from the hot counter when Lynne* asked me to help her at the wash-up. I sighed and said “ok, whatever”. Lynne’s voice dramatically changed from being nice to mean in that very instance. She barked: “What?! Have you got something else to be doing?!” “No, it’s fine”, I responded. When she went to collect the full trolley from the floor I could hear her shouting at my manager saying “I’m not working in there on my own, blah blah blah!” About 5 minutes later someone else came in to help her so I went back to my pot-wash. As Lynne was drying the cutlery, she said “if you have a problem with doing the wash-up, you go and talk to [manager], it’s not my fault you’re in a bad mood.” I replied in a very calm, relaxed tone: “But I’m not in a bad mood a…” Lynne: “You are in a bad mood, Keith!” Then she stormed off.

So, wait, she knows my feelings? She knows how and why I said what I did? My point here is, don’t judge a book by its cover. Don’t assume something without actually knowing. Do you do that? Do you get angry at someone because they annoyed you? Why? What’s the use? It doesn’t get you anywhere. I think my co-workers are watching too many soaps and drama shows. This is the real, fucking world people! Wake up and smell the irony! Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.

Gay Brothers Having Sex?

I was reading a post from fxxxmylife.com, where a guy found out that his brother was adopted. When the guy found out he said that he’s always wanted to have sex with his brother (who I’m assuming is straight, hence the FML). That got me thinking about if I had a gay brother, would I want to do him.

Siblings have a love for each that usually is not sexual. Like I’ve said in a previous blog, gay men can get sex almost literally on tap, and not usually have any emotion with that, it’s just simply for pleasure. But people are normally more comfortable with family, quicker than a stranger. Gay brothers who do each other must be really emotionally close with each other, and love each other in a brotherly way.

I personally think that men in general have a higher sex drive than women (Maybe women can control it better). Why bother going out cruising for sex, when your gay brother is in the other room?

If I had a brother, and he asked me for sex… would I object? What, in your opinion, is the right thing to do? Would you have sex to give in to both of your sexual desires, or would you feel that you respect your brother way too much to actually do it?

Do you like being branded?

I think sexuality is something that is important to us. I feel that it’s somewhat restrictive though. If you call yourself “gay” or “straight” or whatever, your mind may not be allowing you to be more open to your unknown feelings. If you say you’re gay, you probably won’t allow yourself to register feelings that you may (unconsciously) have for a woman. Your mind has be set to what you believe. If you believe you are gay, and you are feeling 100% confident about it, your mind won’t allow you to realise feelings you may have for a woman, no matter how the two of you get along.

If though I call myself gay, I would consider dating a women if I felt there was a connection between us. Love doesn’t hold any boundaries, does it? So why should I? Why should any of us? I think that if you are capable of loving anyone regardless of gender, there would be so much less hate in the world.

I tried to kill Lindsay Lohan!!!

Let me explain something first, I normally have 2 sleeps per night. I fall asleep the first time when my mind is still active and I begin to dream, almost immediately. I normally wake up about 20 minutes after it. I will just turn over and fall asleep again for the rest of the night, usually.

So last night I had 2 small sleeps and one long sleep. In my 2nd sleep, I dreamt I was Ugly Betty and that Kimmie (Lindsay Lohan) was torturing me as she did in Betty’s high school.  But I (as Betty) backed her up against into a corner after she made my make-up into a clown face, and shouted abuse at her with several curse words included. Later in my dream, I was wondering around somewhere, what looked like an old abandoned warehouse. I walked slowly towards Kimmie, not exactly knowing what I was seeing. I saw that she was in a large tub wearing swimwear and floating/relaxing  in the little bit of sun that shined into the building. I grabbed her by the neck and began strangling her, saying “why the fuck do you have to make my life so fucking difficult?” Her face looked like it was more confused than scared. Then my dream ended.

I woke up, my heart was beating so fast. I have to admit, I felt slightly concerned about this dream. But I just seen the episode “Granny Pants” from Ugly Betty on Tuesday, so it was still kind of fresh in my mind. Weird, eh?

I’ve given up…

I’ve given up on love. I was chatting to a friend of mine on the Internet, who has had his heart broken, and he doesn’t want to have it hurt again. He was saying that people want love, that we don’t need it. Is that fair to say? We may have convinced ourselves that we need it. But let’s be honest and realistic, we only want things we didn’t have at birth. That does include emotions. I think it’s rather difficult to ignore that we have emotions, but we don’t need them.

I think, personally, I 100% agree with him. It’s not like we can’t live without love, lust, whatever you want to call it. It’s a feeling that you get when you find someone attractive. Then you imagine your life with him, seeing both of you smile, possibly holding each other’s hand while kissing on a park bench in New York City. I think the key thing here is to remember that we want to feel happiness, and if “love” is what you’re after, well, then go for it. If it makes you happy, why not?

I may have given up on love, but I seriously doubt that love has given up on me. If love really, and I mean really wants me, it knows where it can find me. And if love makes me feel happy, then I’m not exactly going to say no, am I?

I still feel like I need love, even though I know in my head that I don’t. My heart still wants it. But if I let my heart do all the thinking, I’d be falling head over heels for everyone and anyone. I just can’t see that happening.